Recently at a retail job I overheard a conversation between managers about pronouns. It was clear from the hesitations and awkwardness that these individuals had only a cursory awareness of pronoun usages and differences. They had just interviewed someone whose gender expression confused them, and because I could hear in their exchange an openness to information, I interjected and asked if they would like to hear a brief explanation, which they gratefully accepted.
The first thing I told them is it is okay to respectfully ask for someone’s pronouns in a safe environment (one that does not risk harm to them if their preferred pronouns were made known). The caveat I gave them with this is that we should ask everyone, not just individuals whose presentation might lead to uncertainty. Asking everyone has a couple effects, one being to normalize this question. By asking, and displaying our own pronouns so others do not have to ask, we verbally and visually can provide awareness and enhance acceptance for using a person’s preferred pronouns. Secondly, naming our pronouns when our gender identity and gender expressions match our birth sex helps counter the othering effect that transgender and nonbinary individuals may experience when asserting their chosen pronouns. Rather than making these individuals constantly come out with their pronouns, if we all became accustomed to stating our pronouns, it would become part of our introductions just like stating our name.
Thirdly, asking everyone their preferred pronouns can help highlight assumptions we make about people. Someone whose gender expression on the day you meet them might lead you to assume they identify as female, but when asked may say they use they/them. If we do not even think to ask we are enforcing an assumed gender on someone with which they do not identify. This is a microaggression, and on a personal scale, it continues to enforce heteronormative biases within ourselves versus doing our part to create a more inclusive worldview.
On a personal level, a way to normalize preferred pronoun usage is to include our chosen pronouns on name badges, as part of our Zoom handles, and on social media we use. A great starting point for further education is the website Pronouns.org which includes discussions about why it matters, how to express our pronouns, how to ask about pronouns, and more. Another resource is Pronouns.page which includes a dictionary of neutral nouns.
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